


Nameless

by TheTruthIsOutWhere



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, First Kiss, First Time, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 04:26:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16825117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTruthIsOutWhere/pseuds/TheTruthIsOutWhere
Summary: Dean hadn’t said Castiel’s name in 5 months.  Sam and Dean both knew it, but it was an unspoken rule that no one acknowledged it.  Sam had attempted his normal emotionally sensitive approach to the angel’s death, but clearly all his attempts at conversation had failed.





	Nameless

Dean hadn’t said Castiel’s name in 5 months. Sam and Dean both knew it, but it was an unspoken rule that no one acknowledged it. Sam had attempted his normal emotionally sensitive approach to the angel’s death, but clearly all his attempts at conversation had failed.

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Sam approached his kneeling brother cautiously, as if approaching a skittish animal. He pretended in his mind that was solely for his brother’s benefit, but really he needed the extra time to coach his swirling emotions to emerge in a normal sounding tone.

“De-” Sam’s voice cut out unexpectedly. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Dean, we need to go.”

At first it seemed as though his older brother hadn’t heard him. But then, with an abruptness that alarmed the younger man, he shot up and turned on his heel.

“You’re right, Sammy. Mom needs our help.” Dean stated. His voice was flat, with zero inflection. Sam was shocked to see his brother eyes were dry but glazed over, as if he hadn’t slept in days. He’d seen the look in the older man’s eyes to know what was happening, Dean was repressing all his “undesirable” emotions. Again. Not for the first time, Sam silently cursed their father’s impulse to seek revenge rather than healthily process feelings.

Before Sam could fully complete this thought, Dean was behind the wheel of the impala and turning the ignition. Sam glanced frantically between Cas’ prone form and the rumbling impala. In a split second he made a decision, and stepped forward. Once Dean acknowledged what had happened they wouldn’t have time for a hunters’ funeral or a burial. The police, electric company, or whoever was likely on the way towards this house. You can’t cause a power outage to the entire Pacific Northwest without someone investigating eventually. With a sickening twist of his gut, Sam mused that perhaps the discovery of two bodies would be enough to keep the authorities from digging too far. With a swift glance towards the water (at least on Sam’s part, Dean never wavered from his determined forward gaze) the impala pulled away into the dark night, short one Winchester.

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Since that night, everyday had been a flurry of determined research on portals, alternate realities, and all-powerful nephilim. Jack had zapped out of existence the moment Sam locked eyes with him. As far as the brothers could tell, no one had seen him since. Dean was singularly focused on bringing their mom back. Sam was, of course, just as determined. However, he also slept more than 2 hours at a time. From what Sam could tell, Dean hadn’t. In fact, the only times he had seen Dean sleep had been with his head in a book and a glass of whiskey locked in his hand. Although, admittedly this was not unusual for Dean, Sam was starting to worry these were in fact the only times Dean slept.

Dean denied Sam’s concerned questions, as he always did, and typically launched into a forced cheerful and upbeat explanation of the newest promising research he’d read. The dark circles under his eyes told a different story.

One month later, their mom was back. In the end, it was nothing they did that brought her back. Turns out, Lucifer knew a thing or two about inter-dimensional portals. Unfortunately, for him, he wasn’t able to cross through before the angels of the alternate reality decided he belonged in the cage with his identical counterpart. 

Mary had been a soothing presence in the bunker since her return. She refused to leave her remaining boys and had outfitted her new permanent residence in a spare room. The return of their mother had not given Dean peace as Sam had hoped. Instead, Dean had thrown himself into hunting with an alarming and reckless ferocity. Mary occasionally tagged along to supervise, but the truth of the matter was Dean didn’t want the help. Those outside of the Winchester family wouldn’t have noticed, Dean was after all a professional at pretending he was fine, but Dean was hollowed out on the inside. 

Cas was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the death that shattered any meager hopes Dean had at being happy. He had finally given up and now just continued through the motions, it was all he knew how to do. Mary and Sam had hushed conversations almost nightly about how to help him, but each ended the same way. It was Dean’s decision now; either he would break out of this and choose to live, or he would continue on this path and die. It didn’t matter if he was killed by the supernatural, his own hand, or even if he just continued on his current path. If he didn’t make a change he’d effectively be dead.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
They’d fallen into a routine of sorts. While Dean hadn’t died, he also hadn’t yet chosen to live. However, both Sam and Mary believed he was heading in a positive direction. His hunts had become less reckless, and he was accepting help from his family and other hunters. He was sleeping again, at least for his personally prescribed four hours. He still wasn’t cooking, but he would accept food, and occasionally pie if placed in front of him. Still, Dean would never acknowledge that anything was wrong. In fact Dean acted as though nothing had ever changed. It made Sam feel sick to his stomach.

That was the routine, up until 6 months after they abandoned Cas’s body on that serene shore.

There was nothing special about that morning. Sam, Mary, and Dean sat around the map table, drinking coffee and casually surfing their computers for potential cases. Right up until the bunker door swung open with a loud creak.

All three Winchester’s acted on instinct and pointed the nearest pistol towards the entrance, cocked and ready to shoot. However, when a familiar mop of dark hair and a flash of beige crossed the entryway 2 guns hit the table, while one hit the floor. Sam and Mary ran towards the stairway as Castiel slowly made his way down. Dean hadn’t moved. His hand was clenched against the table’s edge just as tightly as his eyes were clenched closed.

Son and mother began asking questions very quickly.  
“Cas?” Mary asked cautiously. “How? How are you here? Are you all right?”

“Your wings! Your wings were burned on the ground, Cas! How are you alive? I don’t understand!?” Sam asked frantically.

A smile slowly spread its way across Cas’ handsome face. “Sam, Mary, it’s good to see you both. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here sooner.” 

Cas ignored the confusion in Mary and Sam’s faces, instead staring wholeheartedly at Dean’s firmly closed eyelids. “Hello Dean”

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Once the excitement had died down, and everyone had calmed, they settled around the table with whiskey and beer in hand. Dean still had not made eye contact with Castiel.

“As it turns out, Chuck has been paying a little more attention than we imagined” Cas stated with a sly grin across his face.

“He brought you back again?” Sam asked, shock clear in his voice.

“With specific instructions. Apparently I’ve squandered my resurrections in the past. If you could call saving the world squandering…” Cas trailed off and glanced Dean’s direction. Finally Dean glanced up with a weak facsimile of a smile planted across his face.

Dean crossed the room and quickly grasped Cas’ shoulder. “Well we’re glad you’re back buddy. It’s great to have all the Winchesters under one roof again.” With a smile, more accurately classified as a grimace, Dean turned and walked down the hall to his room. Mary and Sam’s eyes trailed after him surrounded by firmly furrowed brows. Cas’ serene smile finally faltered.

“He hasn’t been in a good place since you…” Mary faltered with her explanation.

Sam tried to takeover. “Cas he was sure you were gone for good. I didn’t think he’d come back from that. You… you were gone, man” 

“I understand, Sam. He perhaps needs some reassurance. I think I would like to speak with him in private.” With that, Cas gracefully stood and followed the path Dean had taken moments before.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Cas was surprised to find Dean’s door wide open and Dean sitting at the foot of his bed, staring straight ahead. Despite his finely tuned hunter senses, Dean didn’t so much as flinch with Cas’ approach.  
“Dean?” Cas asked in his deep and scratchy tone.

Finally Dean looked up. His expression was blank, his face gaunt. The haunted look was quickly covered up by a fake smile. Castiel knew the difference.

“Heya, pal. Get sick of Sam’s touchy feely crap already?” Dean was attempting a non-chalant and off the cuff facsimile of his usual persona, and Cas wasn’t buying it.

“You know why I’m here Dean. We need to talk. I died. I was dead. You saw my wings burned into the ground, and you’re acting like I just got back from a trip to the store. I’ve been gone for 6 months, and I shouldn’t even be here now.” Cas attempted his typical blunt approach.

Dean’s face fell and he began shaking his head. “Don’t. Don’t do this. Cas, please. Please, don’t.” Once Cas’ name crossed his lips it was as though Dean collapsed in on himself. His back arched, his hands reaching to grip tightly to his knees. He was gulping down air with deep shuddering breaths, almost as if he couldn’t get enough oxygen. 

Castiel was alarmed by this uncharacteristic display of emotion, but he was more shocked when it abruptly stopped. Dean tipped forward and placed his elbows to his thighs while simultaneously burying his face in his hands. Cas closed the bedroom door and cautiously approached him.

“Dean?” Cas asked again for the second time since entering the room.

When Cas was positioned across from Dean he stopped, waiting for some sort of response. He was rewarded a moment later when Dean slowly lifted his face and connected his weary green eyes with Castiel’s vibrant blue.

“You know what I missed most about you Cas?”

Cas squinted his eyes in confusion at the unexpected question. Dean laughed, Castiel was again surprised by his behavior.

“Actually that expression right there was a close second, but no. I missed the way you say my name. You’ve always said it like I’m some sort of hero. Like I’m a person that actually deserves happiness and respect. You say it like I’m a whole human being, like I’m your friend and you’re happy to see me. Every. Damn. Time. And then I’d get to say your name back. Cas, Castiel. Angel of the fucking lord. Did you know I haven’t said your name in 6 months? Not since that blade ended you. I didn’t deserve to say your name, because I failed you. I fucking failed you Cas. For the millionth time I failed you. And you still say my name the same god damn way. I might as well have died that day. For all intents and purposes, I did. I’ve lost every damn member of my family at least once at this point, you know that better than anyone. But you broke me. I was done. And then you just walk in and say my name like nothing has changed, like you didn’t just piece my soul back together- again.” At this final statement Dean paused to judge Castiel’s facial expression.

His eyes were wide, wider than Dean had ever seen them. Which, to be honest, was saying a lot. Dean stood until his face was only inches from Cas’. In a near whisper he said “You still aren’t getting it, are you Cas? I love you. I’ve been in love with you for longer then I ever realized. I’ve been too scared shitless to say it. It only took you dying, honestly and truly, wings scorched into the earth, dying, for me to admit it. And I’m sorry that I failed you, that I didn’t tell you, that I’ve been such a dick to you for so long. You’re it for me Cas, and I lost you.” Tears finally broke free from Dean’s eyes and he bit his lip, trying to quell the emotions finally rushing free. 

Cas’ expression wasn’t changing, he was still wide-eyed and shocked. Dean waited him out, not like he could leave this room with tears now streaming down his face. Just as Dean opened his mouth to speak again Cas whipped into motion. Before Dean knew what was happening he was surrounded by firm, muscled arms and his vision was obstructed by Cas’ angelic smelling mop of hair. He wrapped his arms around in return, and buried his smiling face into Cas’ neck as tears continued to fall.

After what seemed like minutes, but was in reality likely only seconds, Cas spoke. His voice echoed directly into Dean’s ear (and if he was feeling like a chick-flick moment he likely would have said the words echoed directly into his soul as well). “You didn’t lose me, Dean. I’m here, in your room, holding you. And I love you too, every part of you. Even the self-deprecating part that just made you give that guilt-ridden speech.” 

Cas pulled back then to look into Dean’s eyes and asked “So what do you plan to do about it?”

To Dean’s utter surprise, a small but confident smirk spread across Castiel’s handsome face. And Dean lost what remained of his control. Before he could second-guess his actions his hand was grasping Cas’ hair and pulling him towards him. Cas got the hint and moved in closer, meeting his lips in the middle. 

Dean had allowed himself to fantasize about this moment, and he was in no way disappointed. Cas immediately sighed into the kiss and rapidly moaned when Dean felt the urge to lick across his bottom lip. The surge of lust that rushed through Dean caused what had been a chaste kiss to escalate quickly into something much more.

“Mmm, Cas.” Dean moaned. His hands were under that stupid coat, pushing it off before he was fully conscious of his actions. Cas assisted by removing it the rest of the way along with his suit jacket. He tugged at Dean’s flannel as Dean started on his shirt buttons. His fingers shook with all the emotion coursing through him and he fumbled with each button. Cas finally seemed to lose patience and tore the remaining buttons off along with the shredded remains of his shirt. Dean seemed onboard with this plan as he pulled his t-shirt off sat back onto his bed. Cas decided to push things along and placed his hands on Dean’s arms, shoving him flat further up the bed. He crawled up the bed further and lowered himself on top Dean until they were chest-to-chest. 

“Oh fuck, Cas. Yes.” Dean yelped as he made contact with Cas’ lips again. Cas hummed in agreement as he dove back in. He kissed along Dean’s jaw up to his ear.

“Dean, I’ve waited for this for so long. I want to see you come. I want your cock in my mouth. You don’t know how often I’ve thought about this.”

Dean threw his head back against the pillow. “Jesus Christ, Cas. Where the fuck did you learn how to talk like that?”

Cas ignored him in favor of carrying out his plan. He kissed down Dean’s chest as his hand stroked Dean’s growing erection in his jeans. Once his mouth reached the hem of his pants he began unfastening them as quickly as possible. In one smooth motion his pants and boxers were down and before Dean could take a breath his cock was fully ensconced in Cas’ mouth. 

“Hnnnnh. Cas, Cas!” Cas licked under the head of his cock and Dean nearly came from that sensation only. “I’m too close Cas, if you don’t stop I’m going to come.” Dean looked down and made contact with those ocean blue eyes. He knew what that expression meant, that exactly Cas’ plan. Cas allowed Dean to fill his mouth to the root and sucked again at the head, his tongue stroked under the tip and then the slit. Before Dean knew what was happening he came harder than he ever had in his life. He called Cas’ name and then moaned loudly as his head hit the pillow again. Crap, no way Sam and Mary hadn’t heard that. Cas swallowed everything down and then looked smugly at Dean.

“Oh my god, get up here you son of a bitch.” Dean stated as he pulled Cas up and into a deep kiss, tasting himself on Cas. As they kissed Dean rolled Cas onto his back and then promptly rolled off. He reached behind him into the nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube. He tossed his head back to Cas and said: “How the fuck are your pants still on by the way. Off. Now.” Cas smiled and worked to comply after a sarcastic salute. Just as his pants and boxers hit the floor Dean rolled over onto his side by Castiel and wrapped his dick in a lubed up hand. It was Cas’ turn for his head to hit the pillow. Dean set an unrelenting pace up and down Cas’ throbbing and leaking cock.

“Dean! Yes, like that. Please don’t stop.”

Dean leaned into Cas’ space and whispered directly into his ear on the pillow. “You like that Cas? You think you’re the only one who’s thought about this? I’ve imagined you coming hundreds of times in my mind. So come for me, Cas. Let me see what I’ve pictured over and over.”

Cas closed his eyes tightly and twisted his head to face Dean and then kiss him right as he came. “Fuck, Dean!” He mumbled against his lips. Dean smiled and leaned in again, he used a hand on the small of Cas’ back to roll him towards him and slid a hand into his hair. They kissed lazily and stayed pressed together as close as possible. Neither seemed to want to separate in any way.

“I’m sorry I never told you before Cas, how much I love you. We could have been doing that for years. And Jesus I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t even think about never having had this now that we have.”

“I know, Dean. Remember how I said Chuck thought I had squandered my previous resurrections? He may have admitted to being a bit of a romantic, and to maybe hoping that we’d finally get our shit together as he put it. I didn’t believe that you could possibly feel that way about me until you said the words. I guess what I’m saying is I’m a little in shock, but there’s nowhere in the world or the universe that I’d rather be.”

“Back atcha buddy. And wait, does that mean Chuck has been perving on our lives this entire time? Did he just watch THAT!? What the fuck! I thought it was bad enough Mom and Sam probably just heard us.”

Cas looked briefly stricken. “I didn’t even think of that.”

“He don’t worry about it man. Sam’s seen me in worst positions if I’m honest, and if we’re being REALLY honest I think he’s known how I’ve felt about you for years. And if Chuck knew, and Sam knew, who else knew? Was it just us with our heads in our asses? We really are a couple of dumb asses aren’t we?”

“Well personally I prefer oblivious. Less dumb. Less ass.” Cas grinned.

Dean smiled back, “You know, I really did miss you buddy.”


End file.
